Showdown at the Tea House
by Nymbis
Summary: The kunoichi of Konoha have the worst sex. Implied Ino x Shikamaru and Sakura x Sasuke.


**AN **Heh, I was a little hesitant about posting this since it's so different from my other stuff, but it was an insistent little bastard of a plot bunny. Crack? Like a plumber's bottom.

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The two girls sat across from each other, eyes deadlocked in an intense stare as the each evaluated their opponent. The girl on the left, with long blonde hair and an apparent fondness for mesh, glared levelly at the other one, a girl with an obnoxious shade of hair and a chest as flat as a board.

"So…" The girl on the left trailed off, the pause after the statement heavy in the air.

"So," agreed the other, absently beginning to twirl the pair of chopsticks between her fingers.

"A whole year now, isn't it?" The intensity of the blonde's stare dropped a level as a smirk itched across her lips.

Sakura thought that the smirk was more frightening than the glare, knowing that the twinkle in her friend's eye was a dangerous, dangerous thing indeed, "…yes." She said carefully.

The itching smirk reached chicken pox standards, "That's very nice."

"Sure is. Almost as long as you and Shikamaru," Sakura trailed off absently.

"Your tea, ladies?" Interrupted a server, before quickly setting out two tea cups and a hot pot, then bowing politely as he left, blushing after Ino gave him a rather flirty wink.

Ino snorted as she poured out her tea, "Yeah right Forehead, not even close! We've been together two!"

Sakura rolled her eyes, knowing that it had really been maybe, _maybe _one and a half, but she ignored the opportunity to butt heads with her best friend, settling instead for taking a sip of tea.

"So how's the sex?" Ino asked far too nonchalantly.

A hocking sound was heard as Sakura attempted an illogical swallow/spit combination of her tea, a fist pounding her chest as she tried to clear her air passageway. Ino calmly took another sip of tea, the smirk growing even more.

"That's none of your business!" She said after she regained control of her oxygen intake, blushing four shades of red and squirming uncomfortably in her seat.

Ino pursed her lips, "That bad, huh?"

Sakura's jaw dropped straight down, "No!" She argued lamely, the blush staining her cheeks intensifying, "…the sex is fantastic." She mumbled quickly.

Ino snorted, "You're a lousy liar Forehead."

"Am not, Pig! Besides I bet mine and Sasuke-kun's sex is _far _better than yours and Shikamaru's." Sakura retorted childishly.

Something flashed across Ino's eyes, and it was apparent that a war had been sparked in the Konoha tea house, "I sincerely doubt it, Forehead, Shikamaru's not just the best strategist on the battlefield, if you catch my drift."

Sakura chewed on her lower lip, "Well, Sasuke-kun's sharingan can do more than just cast genjutsu, _if you catch my drift._"

A trace of defensiveness was beginning to creep into Ino's tone, "Pf, that's nothing! The Nara clan jutsu can hold a position _for hours._"

"You should see what Sasuke-kun can do with his snake summons-"

"-it's probably not half as impressive as Shikamaru's flexibility!" Ino cut off.

Sakura's fists clenched. This. Was. On. "Sasuke-kun doesn't even need a jutsu to last for hours!"

"Shikamaru's tongue does the most amazing thing with my-"

"-Sasuke-kun's tongue compensates for his lack of talking. And that's a _lot _of compensating!"

Several of the other customers within the tea house began to pause their meals, turning their heads to watch the spectacle of two attractive women blatantly flaunting their sex lives.

"Oh yeah? Well you know how Shikamaru just lounges about during the day? That's a _lot _of pent up energy at night!" At the declaration, Ino stood up, hands bracing her weight against the table, a tea cup still between her fingers.

"Sasuke-kun's sharingan can copy every position _perfectly _after just doing it once!"

"Shikamaru actually knows every position!"

"WELL…WELL SASUKE-KUN CUDDLES AFTERWARDS!"

"SHIKAMARU LOVES CUDDLING!"

"SO WE'RE BOTH HAVING MIND-BLOWING SEX?!" Sakura continued to yell.

"FINE!" Replied Ino, obviously riled up.

"GREAT, I CAN BARELY CONTAIN MY JOY!"

"HA! I CAN'T CONTAIN MY JOY WHEN SHIKAMARU AND I HAVE SEX!"

"UGH, PIG!"

"FOREHEAD!"

Simultaneously, both of their tea cups were slammed down on the table. Both kunoichi settled back into their seats like a balloon that was recently deflated, panting heavily. The other patrons of the tea house who had been watching the spectacle with a mixture of terror and amusement quickly snapped their heads back towards their tea and snacks. Silence not only reigned, but created an entire authoritarian empire, as the two girls sat in their seats attempting to get their bearings. All was quiet, as Sakura finally took a rather dignified sip of her tea, smoothing back some hair that had come loose in the exchange.

"…he makes me do all the work," came Ino's sour voice across from her after a long stretch of time, her arms crossed over her ample chest and scowling at the perfectly innocent tea pot. Her scowl deepened, "And sometimes he even falls asleep during it." She admitted bitterly.

Sakura's eyes widened, "He…falls asleep _during_?"

She snorted, "Tche, lazy bastard." She stared down Sakura, "How's it really with Sasuke-kun?" There was a pleading in her eyes, _please tell me that I'm not the only one being subjected to awful sex._

Sakura inwardly had a debate. On the one hand, she could remain firmly rooted to her claims of having the best sex on the planet and show up Ino once and for all, but then there was the actual truth of the matter…

"It took me four months to get him to hold my hand, do you **really **think we're having sex yet?" She said with more than a trace of bitterness in her tone, "And he's so _awkward _about everything. Kissing him is like kissing a corpse. There's never any reaction. Ever." Her nose wrinkled. "Ugh, he's the _worst _kisser on the entire planet, I don't think I ever even want to sleep with him!"

Ino buried her face in her hands, "This is hopeless. If a hot piece of ass like me-" a polite clearing of the throat from across the table, "-and you can't get decent action, what hope is there for everyone else?"

Sakura swirled the tea in her cup and said sadly, "There's always celibacy."

Ino buried her face even deeper in her hands.

"Um, ladies, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave," came the server from before, now looking a little more than terrified after seeing their spectacle. "You're making some of the guests uncomfortable."

Sakura sighed, straightening the beige skirt around her legs and standing up. This was routine, after all, "Same time next week, Pig?"

Ino scoffed, paying the tab and tossing the errant strand of blonde out of her eyes, "You better believe it Forehead." There was a contemplative look on her face, "Think Shikamaru would really use his jutsu during-"

"Not in a million years."

Ino groaned in disappointment, "Pity."


End file.
